I was frustrated today. Like seriously frustrated. Like the type of frustrated that made me want to yell "shut up" to every single person I came in contact with. Like the type of frustrated that wanted to stab the next fat squirrel with my pitchfork that got in my way.
Yeah, I was just that frustrated.
I stupidly, took out my frustration on someone.
But the strange thing was, I couldn't exactly pinpoint where all my frustration came from. Actually, I can.
I was frustrated with the fact that I feel so behind. Not only in the sense of school because I am (procrastination is my full time partner in crime), but in general - life. I feel so behind with life because I feel that there are so many experiences that I have been left out of that other people my age have already experienced. Nearing the second decade makes me panic that I should be doing all these "things." There are so many "never"s that I can list, that I panic. I stress. I get frustrated. I think I'm one of those people that just have to do everything, but it's weird because in high school I was never like that. I was the person that did nothing. I guess realizing that it actually counts this time around for your future makes me panic. When I panic, I stress. When I stress, I get frustrated. It's like the transitive property of algebra. Seriously guys, math is like way cool.
I somehow feel the need to do everything and the need to grab as many opportunities that come my way because when I don't, I think I've wasted something; that I'm wasting my life. I have the desire to be more than just existing. I want movement, I want dynamism, I need something that tells me that I am more than just a breathing object taking up space. And when I don't feel this way, I get frustrated.
And this is where my frustration lacks logical reasoning because only I can change the way I think. Only I can make myself believe that I am more than just existing. It's all up to me in the way I think about my life that determines the way I feel about my life. I need to remind myself that it's okay to be behind as much as I want to catch up. I will carve my own path and pace that's right and good for me. I really have nothing so terrible in my life going to allow this frustration to consume my everyday happiness. My frustration is really all my doing isn't it?
But I also blame the sun because as I was walking around school and the sun just kept shining in my eye, I just kept getting angrier and angrier and more agitated and frustrated. I can totally understand why Meursault shot that man on the beach. It's like the sun's fault man.
Then again, feeling frustrated and getting a little too self-involved is a good thing. It makes us and makes me human. And being human is always a plus.
NOTE: This will be the last and only most-emo-ist thing I will right. Frustration is just a phase.
I really should be studying for my midterm tomorrow but somehow writing this all down in here makes me feel better. Self-disclosure. It's a thing I learned in Comm. I seriously need to stop this mix of school with regular talk. Wow. Academics is relevant to life.