Thursday, February 28, 2008

I Blame my Frustration on the Sun.

I was frustrated today. Like seriously frustrated. Like the type of frustrated that made me want to yell "shut up" to every single person I came in contact with. Like the type of frustrated that wanted to stab the next fat squirrel with my pitchfork that got in my way.

Yeah, I was just that frustrated.

I stupidly, took out my frustration on someone.

But the strange thing was, I couldn't exactly pinpoint where all my frustration came from. Actually, I can.

I was frustrated with the fact that I feel so behind. Not only in the sense of school because I am (procrastination is my full time partner in crime), but in general - life. I feel so behind with life because I feel that there are so many experiences that I have been left out of that other people my age have already experienced. Nearing the second decade makes me panic that I should be doing all these "things." There are so many "never"s that I can list, that I panic. I stress. I get frustrated. I think I'm one of those people that just have to do everything, but it's weird because in high school I was never like that. I was the person that did nothing. I guess realizing that it actually counts this time around for your future makes me panic. When I panic, I stress. When I stress, I get frustrated. It's like the transitive property of algebra. Seriously guys, math is like way cool.

I somehow feel the need to do everything and the need to grab as many opportunities that come my way because when I don't, I think I've wasted something; that I'm wasting my life. I have the desire to be more than just existing. I want movement, I want dynamism, I need something that tells me that I am more than just a breathing object taking up space. And when I don't feel this way, I get frustrated.

And this is where my frustration lacks logical reasoning because only I can change the way I think. Only I can make myself believe that I am more than just existing. It's all up to me in the way I think about my life that determines the way I feel about my life. I need to remind myself that it's okay to be behind as much as I want to catch up. I will carve my own path and pace that's right and good for me. I really have nothing so terrible in my life going to allow this frustration to consume my everyday happiness. My frustration is really all my doing isn't it?

But I also blame the sun because as I was walking around school and the sun just kept shining in my eye, I just kept getting angrier and angrier and more agitated and frustrated. I can totally understand why Meursault shot that man on the beach. It's like the sun's fault man.

Then again, feeling frustrated and getting a little too self-involved is a good thing. It makes us and makes me human. And being human is always a plus.

NOTE: This will be the last and only most-emo-ist thing I will right. Frustration is just a phase.

I really should be studying for my midterm tomorrow but somehow writing this all down in here makes me feel better. Self-disclosure. It's a thing I learned in Comm. I seriously need to stop this mix of school with regular talk. Wow. Academics is relevant to life.


electroclash said...

"I somehow feel the need to do everything and the need to grab as many opportunities that come my way because when I don't, I think I've wasted something; that I'm wasting my life."

To put it simply,
I agree.

I adore your blog.
I think I shall add you to my list =]

Aisha said...

Hope everything gets better for you and as you said, frustration is a natural feeling for humans sometimes, so It'll pass.

Blue Floppy Hat said...

I know that feeling...believe me, it'll get better. My policy is that everything improves after high school.

Anonymous said...

i know what u mean - but as you mentioned, like you never stepped out of the box and see what's beyond the US, get your ass up and work for the money to then actually travel. Before I took off for the US I had to work non-stop and working non stop as waitress gets you aggressive but you're actually doing something to do something. Know what I try to say? Doing something that gets you nearer to something else suffice for now so now get up and study for your mid terms and stop whining!!

Oh and do you mean Camus' Meursault? Wasn't he, like, totally indifferent to EVERYTHING? You ain't, no?

lalaliu said...

the kitten - sometimes I whine too much for my own good. But it's a natural feeling even though it makes no sense.